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  • Total Divastation: recapping the WWE Total Divas season 5 finale

    Submitted by Kevin LaRose

    The Season Finale

    Paris, France – a small country located in, what is commonly and locally known as the European Union, or more simply, the EU. A black van pulls up to the curb, and out walks four women in black dresses. The Bellas, Eva Marie, and Natalya are finally at the restaurant from Something’s Gotta Give. The girls propose a toast, to the four originals. A beautiful French man hits on them and quickly walks away. And just as fast as they entered the restaurant, they are out of the restaurant. I have to admit I am pretty bummed that we didn’t even get to finish watching them drink at least one glass of that French wine. 

    The girls walk over to the Eiffel Tower. They seem to be under the spell of some sort of pagan superstition and believe that if one makes a wish upon the Eiffel Tower at night then the wish will come true. The girls are amazed at the site of the Eiffel Tower again, and Nikki makes her wish. “I wish John Cena will marry me.” The American dream. 

    Nattie then makes her wish. She wishes TJ to be there with her. Eva Marie wishes something about love and Jonathan. Brie wishes for Bryan to be cleared because she believes in his dreams. Nikki tells everyone that John Cena wants to marry her, but he still doesn’t want to have kids. 

    It’s the daytime now, and Paige, Fox, and Mandy are talking about last night. Mandy has a hat that says, “Paris.” I’d buy that hat, too. She’s still so pissed that Eva Marie went to dinner with the Bellas. Mandy is the ultimate third wheel.

    Rosa and her fiancé decide to celebrate their impending nuptials by sight-seeing around Paris. Rosa wants to go to some kind of arch. Her fiancé, his name is Bobby, thinks she is talking about Noah’s Ark. If only there were some sort of famous triumphant Arch in Paris that would be easy for Rosa to look up on her phone. Rosa asks when the wedding will be. Bobby redirects the question. Rosa says six months. Bobby says six months from when the baby is born. Rosa says get married by a minister. Bobby says he wants Brad to perform the ceremony. They start to argue and then decide to not talk about it anymore. 

    A beautiful French man takes a picture with Paige and tells her she is crazy. Fox decides to plan an impromptu party at the hottest party venue in the world, Moulin Rouge. She has a fantasy that the other Divas will dress up in French fashion, and she will be the photographer. Fox overhears Nattie telling Mandy that the fashion photo shoot is stupid. Fox is so pissed. She goes into Rosa’s room to complain about Nattie. Fox cancels the photo shoot. All the Divas argue in the living room. They work out their issues. The photo shoot is back on. Thank god. They decide to drink that French wine. 

    Eva Marie apologizes to Mandy in her room. Mandy speaks her mind. She is mega-butthurt. Eva Marie acts pretty classy. But Mandy doesn’t really think Eva Marie is being real, so she responds by lying and telling her they are friends again. Whelp, sorry Mandy, we won’t get to see how this plays out because you won’t be returning next season.

    Rosa is so happy to go out with all the girls. They are at a really nice, really fancy French restaurant. Fox gives a speech. Fox loves giving speeches, it’s obvious. All the girls go over to the Moulin Rouge, and they are all super impressed and mega excited. They are so amazed, and they keep saying the word amazed. Nattie tells us how much she loves all the girls, and how important this trip has been. 

    Back in the states, and keeping with the French theme, the WWE is in New Orleans. Rosa shows Big Show her ring, and Big Show shows Rosa warmth and compassion. She can’t wait to give birth to Baby Jordan. Rosa interviews Dolph Ziggler. Dolph brings this season full circle, as he wasn’t man enough in his attempt to steal Nikki away from Cena. They all eat cake.

    TWO MONTHS LATER

    Tampa, FL

    In Nikki and John’s house, Nikki chases around her cute dog, Winston. Winston is adorable. Nikki’s mom is in town to babysit the dog if Nikki has to have surgery. Nikki tells her mom that she feels like shit every day. She gets an MRI.

    Pittsburgh, PA

    Rosa is having cramping, she’s in a ton of pain. She and Bobby go to the hospital. Rosa decides to leave her Rolex at Bobby’s parents’ house. After the commercial, Rosa has had her baby. The baby is cute. Rosa feels so emotional. Rosa wishes her mom was there. Rosa and her mom are at odds due to Bobby’s atheism. 

    Back in Tampa, Nikki tells her mom that her back is getting worse. Everything is worse than they originally thought. She has to have surgery. She doesn’t want to retire from wrestling. She is in so much pain all the time. She is so frustrated. 

    In Pittsburgh, Rosa feeds her baby. Bobby is so excited and completely anxious. Rosa hasn’t heard from her mom in two months. Rosa says she could move to Pittsburgh. Bobby tells her that while she can’t go down the street and get a kale juice, but she can go down the street and milk a cow. Rosa said she’d rather just feed the baby. They get in a car and Rosa sees a frozen lake. She is amazed. Rosa’s mom told her to tell her baby that she is going to burn in hell. Bobby is so pissed at Rosa’s mom. 

    Columbus, OH

    Nikki has a meeting with Carrano. John calls her from Tampa. Cena is hanging out with Nikki’s mom, and he tells her not to worry about Carrano. He apologizes for not being there, but he just had surgery himself. 

    Back in Pittsburgh, Bobby and Rosa look at baby Jordan. Rosa wants to move to Pittsburgh. She is happy there. I’m not worried about them, they are going to be OK as a family.

    Back in Columbus, it’s time for the meeting with Carrano. They make jokes about business casual dress codes. Then things get serious. They don’t know what the future looks like. Is Nikki done? Could this be it for her? Nikki asks, “What is Nikki Bella without wrestling?” She answers, “There is no Nikki Bella.” It’s a race for survival, if she can’t wrestle again, then not only will she be forced to retire, but it seems as though Nikki Bella will cease to exist all together.

    As if…

  • Total Divastation: a look at WWE Total Divas season finale part 1

    By Kevin LaRose for F4Wonline.com

    Tampa, FL

    Nikki and Nattie are going to the doctors to look at Nikki’s back x-rays. Her back doesn’t look good. Nikki does cryotherapy and Nattie watches her, then Nattie does it. There’s a whole in Nattie’s towel that’s right near her nipple. Everyone laughs.

    Nashville, TN

    At Raw, the Bellas and Fox look on the Internet. They are learning about Paris. Fox tells the Bellas that she is fighting with Rosa. Nikki bails because she sees Cena and Brie is forced to hear about Rosa all by herself.

    Paris, FR

    The Divas land in Paris, and Eva is excited for the opportunity to get closer to the other Divas. Everyone is going to the Eiffel Tower except the Bellas, because they are coming back to France in a couple of weeks with their grandma and they are going to go then. Fox decides she’s not going to go because Rosa is going.

    They arrive at a bomb ass suite where they will all be staying while in France. The girls start drinking that French wine, and eating hors d’oeuvres. Mandy distributes goody bags. Rosa doesn’t want to stay with Fox. Fox tells everyone that she’s scheduled a high class couture photo shoot for them all on Thursday. Paige feels alienated that no one is sleeping in their suite. Eva and Mandy decide to stay in Paige and Fox’s suite. The other Divas are so happy to not be staying with Paige, Fox, Mandy, and Eva. Fox decides to repair her relationship with Eva. They make up and Fox is happy. Fox tells everyone about Rosa. She is so pissed at Rosa. 

    Nikki and Brie go shopping. They buy a bunch of macaroons. Everyone else goes to the Eiffel Tower, except for Fox. She is too busy being mad at Rosa to enjoy the world. The divas talk about how romantic Paris is. Rosa wishes that Bobby was the only man that she ever slept with. Mandy asks Nattie how many penises she’s seen. Everyone is really impressed by the Eiffel Tower, especially Nattie. Paige knows that Fox is going to regret not going to the Eiffel Tower. I once went up the Eifel tower. It was cool.

    At the top they had display of a mannequin Mark Twain talking with a mannequin Alec Eiffel. But if I was on a show and I was visiting Paris, the last place I’d go would be the Eiffel Tower. That’s pleb stuff and it would make me look like a total pleb dweeb. If I went to Paris on a show, I’d be more like Anthony Bourdain; I’m gonna show you the gritty, real Paris. The kind of Paris they don’t show you on TV. This is garbage.

    At the top, Bobby is waiting for Rosa. He proposes to her while all the Divas watch and cheer. It’s supposed to be romantic and awesome, but it’s totally cliché and boring. How impressive, Bobby. I can’t believe no one has ever thought of proposing marriage anywhere within the vicinity of the Eiffel tower, let alone on top of it. This. Has. Never. Been. Done. Before. I feel lucky and #blessed that TV cameras were there to capture what is sure to be remembered as our generation’s moon landing. 

    Now everyone is at a press event, and Rosa shows off her ring. Fox is sulking in the corner, but she feels a little bad that she missed the Eiffel Tower proposal. Everyone gets their picture taken on the roof and some reporters ask them some real softball questions, like “who is the trouble maker?” I guess that’s what passes for real journalism nowadays. Shame on you, French media. They go back to their hotel, and Rosa and Bobby have sex.

    Cena has arranged a wine and cheese tasting for the Bellas, but he’s not there. They love all the cheese. Nikki makes a funny joke about Brie eating brie, and then Brie tries to make a joke but she does a horrible job.

    Finally, the other Divas go to a fancy restaurant overlooking the city. Paige arranged the whole thing. They are very impressed. They are amazed again when they see the Eiffel Tower. Rosa gives a speech. She does a horrible job. Fox is sulking the whole time. Can’t she just be happy for Rosa?

    In the morning, Brie is wearing an incredible kimono, and she wakes up Nikki. Nikki is pissed because she is so tired from eating so much cheese. Nikki complements Brie’s robe. Fox goes into Eva’s room and laughs at her for making her bed. She starts complaining about Fox. Fox is upset that Rosa is only focused on her baby and her fiancé and hasn’t been meeting Fox’s needs as a friend.

    All the girls talk about going to Jim Morrison’s grave, and Eva tells everyone she isn’t going. Eva and the Bellas are going bike riding together. Mandy is so pissed. She feels like Eva is ditching her. 

    Eva and the Bellas go to a bakery. Eva feels fortunate to be with such well-traveled friends. Eva tells them that some people are mad that Eva came with them today, but Eva says that Eva needs to do what Eva needs to do.

    The other divas go shopping, and Fox pulls Rosa aside. They talk out their issues. They cry. They hug. 

    Eva and the Bellas get on bikes. Nikki and Eva are wearing heels. They are very impressed by Paris. Brie is excited that she is exercising, and Nikki is pissed that Brie is so focused on exercising. Nikki starts yelling at Brie. Brie feels bad, and decides to eat a macaroon. 

    Eva and the Bellas are at a cute little outdoor café, and they comment on how much they love outdoor cafes. Brie breaks down and orders French fries.

    Back in the hotel, the other Divas talk about how they don’t wear underwear. Paige has another surprise for everyone. A beautiful man comes into the hotel, and Paige tells everyone that they are going to paint him. Somehow Paige managed to set up easels for everyone. She set this all up so that Nattie can see another man’s penis. This is not a normal thing. Nattie reacts with mock outrage. Nattie loves the naked man. They all take a picture with the naked man.

    In the other suite, Nikki surprises everyone with a beautiful private chef, and he is going to teach them all how to make macaroons. The chef shames them all for not offering him some wine. Nattie stumbles into the room, followed by Rosa.

    In the other room, a private chef is cooking everyone dinner. John has arranged another special trip for the Bellas. This time to the restaurant featured in the film Something’s Gotta Give. That movie is ok. I actually love it because Keanu plays a really cool doctor. They invite Nattie to the restaurant. Mandy is pissed that Nattie and Eva are going out to dinner and she wasn’t invited. She storms off into her bedroom and cries into her pillow. Paige follows Mandy and asks her what’s wrong. Fox and Rosa come into the room, and everyone hugs and holds Mandy.

    That’s it for part 1 of the 2 part season finale.

  • Total Divastation: WWE Total Divas episode 12 recap

    Submitted by Kevin LaRose

    Welcome to the biggest party of the year, the Total Divas after WrestleMania, where up is down and down is out of control. Sit back, strap it on, and enjoy yourself, WWE Universe, because this is going to be one hell of a wild ride. 

    In Cincinnati, JoJo, Mandy, and Rosa are sitting around in catering talking about Rosa’s baby shower. Paige sits at another table. She has too much on her plate to deal with baby stuff. Rosa and Fox go sit with her and try to make her talk about Rosa’s big, famous baby shower.

    Brie shows Nikki a picture of a house in Washington. Nikki is so mad that Brie wants to move to Washington. Nikki is excited to go to the wine bar there, but she wants to wear heeled Timberlands when they go hiking.

    Someone spanks Nattie.

    Work has been going great for Fox, but due to Nikki’s injury, she is getting some time off, too. Which is good for her, because she has some family issues to take care of.

    In a hotel bar, Fox and Paige have a drink and commiserate. Fox is so tired. Her family is coming in and she wants to have a family talk. A father figure in her life, Priechy, who her mother used to date, is dying, and it’s making her realize she has to deal with all the dysfunction. Paige tells Fox that she has to talk to her family. Fox is going to miss Rosa’s big, famous baby shower.

    In a car in Washington, Brie’s brother points out a bumper sticker with a dick joke. Everyone loves it. Nikki likes Washington, but she hates how rural it is. Brie and Nikki argue over how high maintenance Nikki is. Bryan joins in.

    Back in Florida, Fox tells Rosa she can’t go to her big, famous baby shower. Rosa doesn’t understand. She gets upset and walks away.

    In Washington, they are in the backwoods, on a dirt road. It’s beautiful. Nikki hates it. She is wearing high heeled camping boots. Nikki is crazy. They are looking at an empty lot. Bryan and Brie consider building a house there. Nikki is pissed because she doesn’t want to go there when John is filming a movie.

    In Florida, Fox is driving with her sister. She starts crying really hard, talking about her mother. Her mom recently blew her off in Houston. Her sister calms her down.

    Back in Washington, the music is intense as everyone pulls up to a beautiful house where if you want water, you have to get it from a well. Nikki is pissed, and Bryan acts passive aggressive. Nikki tells everyone she is a good person.

    In Florida, Fox’s mom arrives. They reminisce in the car. Fox and her sister don’t like their mom’s perfume. It smells gross.

    At Raw, Rosa is backstage. She sits down with Mandy and Eva. No one is going to Rosa’s big, famous baby shower. Paige has a secret that she’s been hiding and she needs to tell it to Rosa. In the ring, Paige symbolically taps out to Nattie’s Sharpshooter. Big Show thinks Paige looks sad. He comforts her backstage and pulls her aside for a pep talk. Paige reveals that she once lost a baby, and that she had to have a cyst removed and she may never be able to have kids. That’s why Rosa’s big, famous baby shower thing has been so hard for her.

    In Florida, Fox and her family go to a really nice outdoor restaurant right on the beach. It’s the kind of place you go on vacation, but Fox can eat there whenever she wantsbecause she lives in town. I’m getting so chilled out just imagining being there. This is, by far and away, my favorite place I have ever seen anyone ever eat on Total Divas. It’s a shame that this has to be the place for Fox to hold her big family meeting, and she can’t just relax with a cold drink. But maybe the chill vibes are just what she needs to make a tense situation manageable for her. I think she made a great choice in restaurants. Priechy shows up. Fox’s mom already knew about his illness, but she never told her daughters. This pisses Fox off.

    Back in Washington, Nikki and Bryan make a bet that she can’t last the night camping outside. Nikki tries to set up a tent, but she’s having trouble. Bryan teaches her and shegets it. Bryan tells her she has to use the bathroom outside. Nikki says no way, and Bryan wins the bet and fifty dollars in cold, hard cash.

    In Los Angeles, Rosa and Paige are driving around. Paige tells Rosa that she can’t go to Rosa’s big, famous baby shower because she has to go on MTV. Rosa is so pissed.No one is coming to the party now.

    In Washington, Bryan is chopping wood. Nikki remembers her victory over Bryan in a wood chopping contest many years ago on another season of Total Divas. Thisawakens the competitive fire in Nikki’s heart, and she decides she wants to go fly fishing. Nikki chops wood.

    In Florida, the Fox family are going to another chill looking outdoor restaurant in Jacksonville. This episode is doing a great job making me want to move to Florida. Fox confronts her.

    In Washington, Nikki goes fishing and Brie and Bryan go shopping. Brie comments on the irony. They look at baby hiking books. Meanwhile, Nikki is learning to fish. She isstarting to come around to the Washington lifestyle. She realizes that her problem isn’t with Washington, it’s that everyone is moving to the next step in their lives, but she isn’t ready yet.

    Back in Florida, Fox and her mom leave the restaurant, and start fighting. Her mom is acting like a total nut. Fox feels guilty, but she really doesn’t need to. Her mom appearsin this episode as the dictionary definition of dysfunctional. Fox drops her mom off, and she is really sad about what happened.

    Back in LA, It’s time for Rosa’s big, famous baby shower. There is a photo booth. Rosa is so sad that none of her work friends are there. She is especially mad at Paige. Lillian Garcia shows up, and they take a picture together.

    On the MTV set, a strange guy talks to Paige. Paige feels like she is betraying Rosa. Perhaps all the Divas’ problems would be solved with a little truth and transparency.

    At Rosa’s party, Rosa talks smack about Paige, and then Paige surprises everyone and shows up. Paige tells Rosa her secret. They hug, and Rosa realizes she’s been a little selfish. Paige hopes to one day be a mom, as good of a mom as she has. They play a game called suck the nipple.

    Back in Washington, everyone goes to this really nice North Western styled bistro. Nikki loves it. She tells Brie she is pissed that Washington is too far from her. Nikki tells them she feels like they are moving there to get away from her. She said she went fishing to prove to them that she can be a mountain mama and hang with them in the Wilderness. They tell her that they love having Nikki be their third wheel. Everyone feels a lot better. Brie tells them that they probably aren’t going to move to that particular town anyway.

    That’s it for this week on WWE Total Divas.

  • WWE Total Divas: Total Divastation episode 11

    Submitted by Kevin LaRose

    In Indiana, Paige does a photo shoot. Everyone likes it. Paige falls down on the ground because she is so excited about her sandwich. This is the last we will see of her tonight.

    In Phoenix, the Bellas and Bryan sit down to lunch at a really, really cute breakfast place. They are going to eat Dutch Babies. The Bellas want to start a charitable bra and panty line. Bryan doesn’t want to talk about Nikki’s vagina. Bryan tells a story of Brie giving him a Dutch oven. 

    In Orlando, Nattie is training with Mandy. Nattie is excited because she is going to have an opportunity to get closer to Mandy. Nattie is worried about her “loose cannon” father. She doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of Mandy’s family. 

    The Bella twins are on the Today show. Nikki is excited to have meetings later in the day in New York. Brie wants to talk about babies, but Nikki doesn’t. 

    On some island in Florida, the Mandy family arrive at the bomb vacation house. They all pick their bedrooms. Her mom and dad don’t want to stand next to each other, because they are separated. Mandy cries. She wants them to be together again. Mandy has plans for them to rekindle their romance. They chase a crab and the Neidharts arrive. Nattie tells Mandy to let her know if her dad acts weird. He just got out of rehab.

    The Bellas are at a really nice restaurant, elegant but casual. They are drinking wine and Nikki is talking business. Nikki set up a meeting with some famous business dude. Brie doesn’t want a meeting. She wants to make the bras and panties herself. 

    Back on the island, everyone is eating breakfast. Mandy and her fedora-ed brother spy on their dad through a tiny window. Nattie draws a lipstick heart on TJ’s face. Jim Neidhart is wearing a hilarious shirt that makes him look like he is wearing a sexy bikini.

    In NY, Brie and Nikki go to take a sewing lesson. Nikki is super negative about learning. Nikki knows Brie is going to fail. Brie tries to make a pair of panties. Nikki thinks Brie is a total failure because she didn’t make a perfect pair on her first try. I think she has potential. 

    Mandy’s family and the Neidharts have a dragon boat race. Mandy’s family is so good at working as a team, and, as expected, the Neidharts are a mess. I bet that Nattie is going to have to learn to love her family, warts and all. She seems to always have to learn that. Nattie is embarrassed that her family lost. Jim Neidhart is pissed because some guy is massaging his wife’s ass. He is having a conniption. Nattie doesn’t want him to cause a scene. Mandy’s family gets in a van and they try to reminisce about old times. Mandy is stoked that her parents are sitting next to each other. The Neidharts join them at a dock and each family gets on a fishing boat. Jim Neidhart makes some very excited noises and then a noise of disappointment. Nattie’s mom reveals that she put a curse on him and he won’t catch any fish, he will only feel the excitement of it. Nattie’s mom catches her third fish. Nattie is pissed that her dad is acting wacky and having fun. She’s glad Mandy isn’t on the boat to see him. Meanwhile, Mandy tries to talk about her dad with her mom. Her mom doesn’t really want to talk about it. 

    Nikki and Brie are still bickering. Brie wants to be on Etsy, and Nikki wants this to be an empire. Nikki believes she is so much better at business than her sister. It’s funny because outside they are identical twins, but inside they are worlds apart. They have a meeting with a fashion designer. The fashion designer has a big show tomorrow, but she is more than happy to take time out of her busy day to talk to them. Brie explains her Etsy vision. This lady doesn’t think that’s feasible. I hope Brie doesn’t give up on herself.

    Back on the island, Mandy takes a walk with her brothers. She remarks to them how much everything has changed. One of her brothers tells her that if she thinks that mom and dad are going to get back together then she’s crazy. Another brother thinks there’s a chance. They yell at each other. 

    Nikki and Bella are hanging out in their swank hotel room in amazing evening gowns. Brie tells Nikki that she is not as good at business as Nikki. Brie acts really humble. Nikki rubs it in her face, but she’s happy that she gets to be in charge. They each thinks the other gives gross hugs.

    Mandy takes her family outside for a drink. Her dad acts all Italian tough guy. Mandy tries to talk to them about getting back together. Mandy cries. Her dad tells them that they are going to stay separated and everyone needs to deal with it. Mandy and her brothers cry. Everyone accepts that things have changed, and they decide to be happy. All the families gather together for a giant meal. They all reflect and laugh over the weekend’s adventures. Mandy gives a toast. Nattie loves Mandy, and she realizes the whole weekend was fun and she didn’t need to stress so much. Haven’t heard that one before, Nattie. 

    Nikki and Brie go into the Empire State Building for a meeting with the famous business dude. They tell him about their charitable lingerie line. He likes that the lingerie line is charitable. He brings in a designer and she draws some panties. He says a lot of noncommittal positive language and tells them he’ll be in touch. The Bellas are really happy.

    Back on the island, Nattie’s tiny nephew gives some precious words of wisdom and they all take a picture of themselves. It may be a mess of a family, but it’s their mess, and I’m sure they wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

    Back in NY, the Bellas are at a really great, really expensive looking restaurant. The Bellas smile at each other, and they make a toast. Brie looks like she’s getting close to Brie Mode. 

    There was a show on another network tonight where a bunch of nut-jobs were excited about installing can lights in their bedroom. That coupled with tonight’s Total Divas, and this is officially the worst night ever in television history. Congratulations, America. 

    Mission Accomplished.

  • WWE Total Divas: Total Divastation Episode 10

    Submitted by Kevin LaRose

    *****

    New York, NY. A boy gives the Bella’s some flowers. He shows them a Cena lunch box with a Nikki Bella action figure inside that he takes with him everywhere.

    Now they are in Denver. Paige and Fox meet a fan at a coffee shop. It’s not a nice restaurant; it’s a little place to get to-go coffee. No one hangs out there. They go to a park with a fan. He lives in Portland, OR. He wants Paige to help him come out as a gay man to his family. He is afraid that they won’t accept him. He tells Paige that he gets his strength from her. Fox and Paige agree to go to his house when he comes out to his family. 

    Now in Phoenix, going from town to town, we have to move fast. We have a lot of story to get in to just one tiny hour. Nattie is looking at at an app and she tells Mandy about her new cat. Nattie is going on a big family jet-skiing vacation. Mandy complains that she never had a family vacation. Nattie invites Mandy’s family on her vacation. Then she freaks out because she realizes how dumb that was. 

    Brie is stoked because she is wrestling in her home town. Everyone loves her and she wins. She hugs her brother JJ backstage. Nikki is bummed because she can’t go to Sedona. In Sedona, Brie, Bryan, and their friends and family, are also going on a different sort of vacation, a cleansing vacation. JJ is upset because he doesn’t want to do everything that Bryan wants to do. The Bellas talk about their breasts. 

    Eva and Mandy hug an Uso. Carrano wants to get some creative stuff going for them, get them on Mania to fight for the Diva’s title, and share some wacky ideas for Eva. They want her to dye her hair blonde. We saw what happened last time they asked her to go blonde. She went AWOL. 

    Ontario, California. Paige is backstage, talking to some Divas about the promise she made to go to that fan’s house to help him come out to his parents. Renee Young tells her it’s a little weird that she agreed to that. Everyone tells her she is going too far. They tell her it’s a bad idea, even Nattie. 

    Back in Phoenix, Bryan tells everyone on the way to the vacation that they are going to visit a reincarnated Buddha, a teepee temple, and then a stupa, “which is like a sacred place.” Brie wants lunch. He tells them there will be no alcohol. This isn’t going to end well.

    In Colorado Springs, Nattie walks up to Fox and tells her about the vacation with Mandy. She just learned Mandy is coming with fifteen people. R-Truth hugs Mandy and Eva. They tell him about their tag team. R-Truth wants them to be his dancers. 

    Meanwhile, in Sedona. Bryan and friends pull up to a sweet house with a meditation room, as Dean Ambrose and Renee Young show up. Ambrose has a hand drum. Bryan makes a healthy lunch. Everyone is pissed. They don’t want to eat healthy. Bryan tells Brie that she never cries. Bryan cries all the time. 

    Back in Colorado Springs, Paige and Fox are in a park. The entire WWE Total Divas universe has been turned on its head. Everyone is going on weird vacations, going to strange family houses, and sitting in small parks and no one is eating at any nice restaurants! Paige tells Fox that everyone said it was weird that they were going to that fan’s house. Fox wants to go. Paige decides to call him and tell him no. She chickens out when they hear his mom had a heart attack. Fox is happy because what’s the worst that can happen? I don’t know, Fox, how about two incompetent strangers showing up with a camera crew to a random and combustible family’s home, during one of the most sensitive conversations they’ve ever had? 

    In Tampa, Nattie smells her cat. She tells TJ about Mandy. Nattie tries to quote Maya Angelou. She googles Maya Angelou. TJ is saying funny things. Too bad you are reading this instead of watching, because there is no way possible to convey via the written word how he just interacted with his wife. He’s pretty chill about all of it in the end.

    Brie and friends show up to this place and they go into a teepee with this really excited man in a cowboy hat. They do meditation. Everyone hates it except Brie and Bryan. Ambrose is pissed. The guy blows a giant horn in Bryan’s face. Everyone laughs. Everything I would have never thought would happen on this show is happening tonight. 

    Finally some semblance of order, as Mandy and Eva walk into a very nice restaurant called Boca. It’s got nice lighting, and a surprising feature… a tree growing in the middle of the restaurant! A fan tells Eva how inspiring she is. No one knows who Mandy is. Mandy wants Eva to go blonde. Mandy, if you keep talking about Eva going blonde then you are already dead. 

    Bryan is pissed that everyone made an unhealthy dinner. Bryan said that everyone agreed to do as he said because he paid for everything. Bryan is pissed that everyone is drinking. He gives them the business. Ambrose, shirt reading “I’m just here for the beer,” tells everyone he thinks they should drink. They drink. Bryan chooses not to participate in their toast and tells them such.

    In Portland, Paige and Fox pull up to an amazing bed and breakfast. Fox says something stupid and they laugh. Paige asks the proprietor if he is gay. He is. He tells them that coming out to his dad was the hardest thing he’s ever done. 

    Back in Sedona, Bryan makes a joke then says he’s going to a Buddhist monument to meditate. Everyone says they aren’t going. Bryan says whatever. Brie doesn’t want to go, and Bryan is pissed. 

    Meanwhile at some dump of a bar in Portland, Paige and Fox are with the fan, and they realize they really aren’t qualified to actually help him.

    In Orlando, Mandy and Eva talk to Sara and Sarah about their tag team. Eva and Mandy don’t really know anything about tag teams, especially Mandy. Sara tells Eva privately that she is way ahead of Mandy and Eva doesn’t need to change a thing.

    Back in Sedona, everyone is in the hot tub. Dean Ambrose jumps in the pool. Bryan is sulking in bed. Brie tries to get Bryan to come to the tub. Bryan wants Brie to go to bed. Bryan surprises everyone and comes out in a cool bathing suit and judges a jumping contest. He has a really good time.  

    In Jacksonville, Eva and Mandy are at Tribute to the Troops. Eva and Nattie go to the mess hall. This looks nothing like the restaurants at which they usually dine. Eva tells Nattie about Mandy. Nattie tells her not to sweat Mandy.

    Back in Portland, Paige, Fox and the fan pull up to his house. Everyone is un-phased by the cameras. Some tense piano music plays and he tells them he’s gay. Everyone is super chill with it, and there was really no issue at all. Everyone hugs.

    In Orlando, Eva is fighting Bayley for the NXT Women’s Championship. 2016 WWE Hall of Fame inductee, Michael Hayes, in a hat no human should wear, stares at Eva and tells her she’s great. She wrestles and loses. Everyone in the crowd hates her and she loves it. She thinks that she’s entertaining. Mandy hugs Eva. Eva tells Mandy to get lost. Mandy acts cool and walks away.

    Guess we must wait to find out what happens on Nattie’s vacation.

  • WWE Total Divas: Total Divastation Episode 9

    Submitted by Kevin LaRose

    Nattie is doing her mother’s make-up. She does a horrible job. She sends her sister to put make-up on her dad. She takes a picture with her mom. It takes her a long time to take the picture. Her mom’s make-up ends up looking ok.

    In Los Angeles. Everyone is getting ready for Hell in a Cell. Nikki fights Charlotte and loses. Nikki is sad but she feels like she is passing the torch.

    Nattie, Rosa, and Mandy are at a really fancy restaurant for lunch. They are drinking Perrier. Business people on lunch meetings order lunch around them. Nattie is worried about Rosa because Rosa gets hurt easily. Nattie, who has long been considered the worst advice giver in the whole world and throughout all space and time, advises Rosa to hide her feelings from her fiancé.

    Back at Nattie’s house, she looks at old photos with Neidhart and Tyson. Neidhart tells everyone about how he was asked to mate with Russian shot-putters. Nattie would like to have her whole family dress up in pink and write messages on their shirt that say Team Anvil and then take a picture of it. Her mom thinks that is a great idea. Nattie loves taking pictures of herself. She wishes she had more photos than she has. She teaches her family how to take photos. Tyson is annoyed.

    Rosa doesn’t want her fiancé to go to Las Vegas. She thinks he’s going to cheat on her. He’s going to Vegas for his t-shirt business. Rosa is so pissed.

    Now everyone is in San Diego. Nattie touches R-Truth’s nipple. Mandy asks Nikki what’s up. Carrano shows up and touches Nikki’s shoulder. They walk to a doctor and Nikki learns she has to go off the road. She’s really upset. Nikki doesn’t want to be forgotten. Nikki has a real fear of abandonment. I’m pretty sure it has to do mostly with her father leaving and her grandfather dying. Nikki goes to Tampa to start physical therapy. The physical therapist tells her she has to wear a brace.

    Nattie’s family comes over and they strategize costumes for their family photo, which is scheduled to be taken the next day. It’s not going how Nattie wants. She wants the family to act like royalty. She is disappointed because they are acting like a bunch of baboons. She tries to teach her family how to take pictures. They are doing a horrible job learning.

    Nikki tells her mom about how she doesn’t want to be forgotten. Nikki and her mom joke about Nikki having sex with John Cena. She calls John and asks him to help her heal. He says ok.

    Back in California, Rosa and Mandy are going to the beach. Rosa is so bummed about her fiancé going to Las Vegas. She looks on Instagram and sees that he is at a pool party. This weird dude comes out of nowhere and tells her that her fiancé is probably being bad. Rosa tries to call him and it goes to voicemail. The weird dude tells her that everyone is humping her fiancé. Mandy tries to distract Rosa with activities.

    Nikki shows up at Cena’s gym. The trainer tells her she drinks too much. Nikki doesn’t want to hear that. Cena takes Nikki’s phone away from her. He doesn’t think she is working hard enough.

    Mandy and the two weird boys show up at Rosa’s house. Rosa is feeling neglected. Her fiancé calls. He’s jealous of the photo he saw where she’s with the two weird guys who are actually Mandy’s brothers. They have an awkward conversation. He’s pissed. Rosa’s pissed. Mandy’s pissed because she feels like she is being used. And oh wow… they are at an amazing looking Japanese restaurant. Rosa tells the waiter what she likes and doesn’t like. Mandy tells Rosa she needs to relax. Rosa tells her that she’s been hurt a lot. She has a hard time trusting people. The weird brothers try to give her advice.

    Back in Tampa, it’s time for the scheduled photograph. Nattie’s family shows up and Nattie hates the costumes. Nattie specifically told her sister, “No wine,” but her sister thinks wine is ok. She gives the photographer wine. They take pictures, and Nattie is so pissed. Tyson is really good at taking pictures. Nattie’s sister drops her glass of wine. Nattie is pissed. Tyson hates that Nattie is snapping her fingers at everyone. Later that afternoon, Nattie is sulking in the bedroom. Tyson tells her she can pick her nose but she can’t pick her family. Nattie is so pissed. Tyson tells her to lighten up and Nattie realizes she was acting like a mutant. Nattie goes downstairs and takes a selfie with everyone. That one simple selfie means more to Nattie than any professionally photographed shot ever could.

    Cena, Nikki, and her mom are at a bomb ass looking restaurant. They spell grill with an e… Grille. Cena tells Nikki she can only have one glass of wine. Oh no you didn’t. Nikki is pissed. Nikki complains that Cena is a buzzkill. Cena is so mad that Nikki is drinking more than one glass of wine. John Cena hates weakness.

    Rosa’s fiancé gets home. Rosa wants to have a one on one talk. I think her fiancé has a secret and I think he’s going to tell her now. He’s really upset that she was posting photos with the weird boys. She’s pissed that he went to a pool party and looked like he was having fun. He tells her he was in Las Vegas because he was looking for rings for Rosa. She cries and hugs him. She tells him she hasn’t told him about all the trauma she had. He tells her she’s got to get over that. He’s wearing a cutoff hoodie without anything underneath. He has a lot of tattoos.

    Back at Cena’s house, Nikki turns on the fireplace. Cena tells her to put on the neck brace. She doesn’t want to. Nikki tells Cena he’s acting like a father. Nikki asked him to be her coach and now she’s pissed because he is such a buzzkill. Cena is super-chill, but if you ask him to help you then he expects you to take it as seriously as he does and if you don’t, you let him down. If John Cena was helping me, I’m 100% positive I wouldn’t let him down. I would make him so proud of me. Nikki tells him he is being overbearing. Her mom tells Nikki that Cena was being cool and Nikki was being whack about the whole thing. She tells Nikki to give him a hug and apologize. Nikki goes into Cena’s cigar room and apologizes to him. He tells her he doesn’t want to be a bummer or anything but she asked him for help and he felt put in a tough spot. He tells her he doesn’t want to be her coach anymore because he hates having to be a buzzkill. Nikki tries to make putting on her neck brace a sex act with Cena. That’s the show.

  • WWE Total Divastation: A look at episode 8 of Total Divas

    By Kevin LaRose for WrestlingObserver.com

    The WWE is in Philadelphia. Brie is watching the crew set up the ring and Renee Young announces she bought a scooter. Brie wants one. Nikki thinks it’s a bad idea. She knows Brie will get frightened in traffic. Renee is really insistent that Brie get a Scooter. The whole scooter thing is really getting to Nikki. 

    Rosa is eating a ton of food. Nattie comes up and eats Rosa’s food. Nattie asks Paige if she wants to see a picture of her cats. Paige has to go to the ring. Nattie and rosa continue to eat. Paige is stoked that she is such a huge star but she’s bummed about Kevin. She’s decided work is her number one priority. That’s bound to mean bad news for Kevin. 

    Nikki confronts Renee about the whole scooter thing. Renee doesn’t think it’s a big deal. They tell Zeb Colter about the scooter. He’s confused. They find Brie. Nikki tells her she is not allowed to get a scooter. Renee thinks a scooter is cool and fine. Nikki makes Brie promise she won’t buy one. Brie promises and Renee could not possibly be more disappointed. Brie was actually lying though.

    In Orlando, Paige and Kevin are at the grocery store. Kevin is making chili and he needs some stuff. He’s doing a horrible job finding ingredients and Paige is getting pissed. Paige’s mom, Sarya, is coming and she asked him to promise that everything is fine. Paige picks Sarya up from the airport. Sarya asks about Kevin. Sarya loves Kevin. She gives him a huge hug when she sees him. 

    In Phoenix, Brie and Renee are driving around, I bet they are up to something scooter related. Brie tells her that people are scared of Bryan when he is on a run. They are going to buy a scooter. She found one on Craigslist. Renee is scared of Craigslist. Renee calls the guy and they agree to meet at a pizza place. 

    Rosa returns home with a ton of food. Her fiancé is pissed that she bought a cake. He tells her she eats too much, it’s keeping him up at night. Rosa thinks its ok because she is one of the healthiest woman on earth. He is pissed but she forces him to eat cake and he loves it. 

    Bryan is freaked out that the scooter costs $3000. He’s driving a car with Brie in the front seat and Renee in the backseat. They see the man who has the scooter from Craigslist. He’s in a white windowless van. They are scared. He’s a totally normal guy. Renee and Brie go for a ride on the scooter. Brie loves it. Bryan looks cool in the motorcycle helmet. He tells her to negotiate. Bryan actually negotiates and cuts a very good bargain. Now they all have scooters. Nikki is going to be so pissed when she finds out.

    Rosa’s fiancé is setting up cameras because she thinks he wants to make sure she doesn’t eat whenever she wants. She is concerned. 

    Back in Florida, Paige and Sarya are jumping on a trampoline. Then they go out for lunch at a fancy restaurant. Paige tells Sarya she’s going to put her in a home one day. Sarya thinks that’s hilarious. Paige is drinking Bud light. Sarya is worried about Paige. Paige walks out of the restaurant.

    Back in Phoenix, the scooter guy comes to deliver the scooters. Renee and Brie go out for a ride. Brie loves it. 

    Sarya and Paige are back together in the car laughing about old times. Sarya loves Paige so much, and she’s worried about her. She likes knowing Kevin’s around because she thinks he watches out for Paige. 

    In LA, Rosa, Mandy, and Eva Marie are out to lunch at a nice restaurant. Rosa orders so much food and everyone thinks it’s weird. Rosa is so hungry. Everyone also thinks it’s weird that her fiancé set up cameras to watch the fridge. 

    Nikki and her mom and everyone are going out to a nice looking restaurant. Brie pulls up in a scooter and Nikki is pissed. Nikki makes the whole brunch about the scooter. Everyone thinks Nikki is acting weird. Back in LA, Rosa makes a disgusting video of her eating whipped cream sandwiches. She asks him if he’s seen it. He says no. She is confused. He admits that he installed the cameras so that he could monitor himself because he can’t control himself around sweets and he’s gained like 20 pounds since Rosa became pregnant. He feels terrible. They decide to work it out like adults, and everything actually ends up ok.

    Paige and Sarya go to a park to talk. Sarya is very protective over Paige. She doesn’t want the bad things that happened to her to happen to Paige. Paige comes clean about her issues with Kevin. Sarya is understanding. Paige realizes she’s been worried about nothing. This is one of those moments where WWE produces something actually heartfelt and emotional, something that feels honest and human and real. Maybe this show is turning a corner and we are going to get some genuine humanity.

    Back in LA, Rosa and her fiancé are going to the doctor. They do a sonogram and look at the baby. Rosa wants the baby to be an Olympic soccer player, the fiancé wants her to be the female Kobe. I want her to be herself, untethered from familial expectations. Rosa tells the doctor that she’s been eating too much. The doctor tells her not to eat so much because she could get diabetes. 

    In Phoenix, Brie and Bryan are looking at a calendar. They aren’t going to see each other for a while. Nikki barges in yelling, “Bitches.” She acts all smug because Brie didn’t say hi. Nikki is upset about the scooter and Bryan is pissed because Nikki is trying to tell them how to live. The show devolves back into ridiculousness. Nikki thinks she gives great advice. Bryan hates to be told what to do. She wants Brie to buy a car like a normal person. Nikki all of a sudden realizes she’s flying off the handle about the whole scooter thing.  

    Back in Florida, Paige is putting Tough Enough Josh to work. Tough Enough Josh speaks in short one or two words bursts. His vocabulary is small, consisting of simple phrases such as “what?” and “for sure.” Paige broke up with Kevin and she’s moving out. She feels bittersweet. Paige moves into a nice new house and immediately calls Kevin. She tells him she’s moved her stuff out. They chat awkwardly. It’s really sad but Paige doesn’t want to be pinned down. She goes back inside and smiles at Tough Enough Josh… That Josh… What a dream boat.

  • Total Divastation: A Recap of WWE Total Divas episode 7

    By Kevin LaRose for WrestlingObserver.com

    Neidhart makes fun of Nattie for saying “golly.” Ain’t gonna stop me now. Welcome to Total Divas. 

    Outside a live event in Baltimore, Nattie gives advice to a young girl.

    Kevin traveled to be with Paige at the live events. Things aren’t going so great in their relationship. Kevin watches Paige’s match on the monitor, he looks miserable. Paige loses her match. They play Sasha Banks’ music as the cast goes to Corpus Christi. Kevin kisses Paige goodbye. Maybe next season we can get Banks on here so she can learn lessons, too. It might put her at a disadvantage if she can’t be put in the same position to learn the life lessons that the cast is learning on a weekly basis. 

    Nattie touches Naomi’s hair. A giant bouquet of flowers arrive. They’re for Brie from Bryan. Everybody awws that Bryan is so sweet. Then they make Brie feel bad for not getting him any presents. Everyone tells Brie that she has to buy Bryan more presents. Brie agrees. 

    ***

    The Bellas and Nattie check into a nice hotel. The Bellas asks Nattie why she hasn’t taken TJ’s name yet. She doesn’t want to. The Bellas giver her shit for not putting over the patriarchy.

    Backstage now, Rosa is worried because she has to talk to Carrano. She wants to start doing backstage interviews. She asks Nattie if she can practice interviewing her. Rosa does a horrible job. 

    Nikki talks about her “Bellabration” on Raw. Nikki throws a cake on Fox and Brie. Brie and Fox walk around backstage covered in cake. Brie thinks they need to do more things like that. The other divas taste the cake.

    Rosa talks to Carrano. Rosa does a horrible job. Carrano doesn’t think it’s a good idea.

    Paige gets a text from Kevin. She’s feeling a ton of pressure. The one thing Paige hates is pressure. Paige goes to Jacksonville to hang out with Fox at her house. They go on social media and drink Starbucks together. 

    Bryan comes in and gives Brie a shirt that he and his niece made. Brie loves it. He cuts her off at the knees with a shot about how one of them “has to be romantic.” Brie says she’s romantic in the bedroom. Bryan laughs, and talks about how he likes foreplay and she just wants to get right to it. Bryan asks Brie what he got him for their Wedding, Christmas, and his birthday… All IOUs. Uh oh, Brie. Brie says she’s like the man in the relationship. Bryan agrees, if by the man she means the one who forgets everything. Bryan keeps laughing at her. This is passive aggressive and it is awkward to watch. 

    It’s now time for Night of Champions. Nikki has a big fight with Charlotte. Backstage, Nikki touches Rosa. Rosa is upset because she doesn’t have anything to do. Nikki tells her to do social media. Rosa thinks that is a great idea.

    Nattie shows everyone her cat. Carrano comes and sits down with them. Fox asks Nattie why she hasn’t changed her name yet. Everyone starts arguing. Nattie doesn’t want to change. Titus come by and makes a joke. 

    Backstage, Renee Young and Nattie sing the Bellas’ theme song. Everyone talks about how important Nikki’s match is. Nikki taps out, and she is sad but proud of herself. Everyone cries. Nikki has to take time off now to heal. 

    Back in Florida, I am so excited because Nattie, TJ, and her parents are finally going to a restaurant. This one looks a little small, but there are pictures of cityscapes on the wall so you can rest assured that it’s hip. The walls are a green color, and the wood accents are a mahogany hue. Nattie brings up the vacation they are all going on. Everyone gives Nattie shit about not changing her name.

    Paige is in a car with Kevin. Nothing happens.

    In Phoenix, Brie and Nikki are at a glass object store. Nikki decides she’s going to set up a date night for the Brie and Bryan. 

    Back in Florida, in a car, Nattie and TJ are arguing about changing Nattie’s last name. Nattie keeps telling him the world has changed. Nattie worries about how emasculated TJ must feel. 

    Back in Phoenix, Brie is all dressed up which surprises Bryan. Bryan is now in a limo and he feels so strange in it. Bryan thinks he looks like a Hobbit in a suit. Bryan is not having a good time. Bryan tells her she doesn’t need to dress up for him. Brie thinks she is a romance failure. Bryan is not happy.

    ***

    Now they are in Texas. Nattie is excited because she gets to wrestle Naomi. Rosa goes to talk to a man about social media. The dude says she might be able to do social media. Rosa is stoked. She tells Big Show the big news and he acts excited. Nattie is nervous to wrestle.

    Back from commercial, Nattie is about to wrestle. The crowd chants for Nattie. They don’t show the ending, so I guess she lost. 

    Rosa is about do her first social media. Rosa does a horrible job. The crew is visibly upset. Heath Slater interrupts, and Rosa thinks she did a great job.

    Fox and Paige both have flowers. Paige doesn’t want to go home. She doesn’t want to deal with Kevin. They argue all the time and they stopped having sex. Fox thinks Paige is being ridiculous. Paige and Fox have a flower fight. 

    Back in Florida, Nattie announces to everyone that she is going to change her name to Neidhart-Wilson. Everyone thinks it’s great but they give her shit anyway.

    Back in Phoenix, Bryan is excited about how nice Brie looks. Brie tells him to go start the car. Bryan yells excitedly. She rented him a Tesla. Bryan is having such a great time. He looks so happy. She takes him to a farm and gives him a koala statue. Bryan is so happy.

  • Total Divastation: a review of WWE Total Divas, episode 6

    By Kevin LaRose for WrestlingObserver.com

    Brie and Nikki are in a historic hotel in Buffalo. Nikki says she is going to stay in Phoenix but Brie says she can’t stay with her because Nikki is too needy. John Cena, in a flashback, calls her a “needy monster.” Nikki has to stay alone in her mom’s giant house.

    Backstage, everyone is touching Rosa. She is distressed that Bobby, the father of her unborn child, is an atheist. She hasn’t told her Christian mom yet. They’ve been dating for six months. Paige burps and apologizes to Rosa. Rosa says its ok, it smells good. Paige is worried because something bad happened on social media. Fox is upset, too.

    Carrano is going to be pissed. Everyone is watching John Cena’s match. Nikki is freaking out because Cena broke his nose. Cena is still wrestling. Fox is talking to Rosa about Carrano who has been doing damage control for the social media problem. After all the fuss, Fox thinks it’s time for a lifestyle change.

    Nattie is worried about Cena so she comes over to his house to drink wine with Nikki. Nikki tells Nattie that even though she’s fearless in the ring she has a lot of fear outside the ring.

    *****

    In Tulsa, OK, Fox tells everyone they are going to start a lifestyle change this weekend. She forces Paige to swear that they are not going to get into trouble.

    At a red carpet event for WWE 2k16, a British journalist asks Nikki about John Cena’s nose.

    In a car, Rosa is with Bobby the atheist. She tells him she is going to make pasta primavera, and he says that’s too much. She reminds him that he asked for a crazy girl. He’s excited to be a father. They’ve named the baby Jordan. Bobby says not to buy kale. His father doesn’t like kale. Rosa asks Bobby to pretend not to be an atheist. He won’t pretend. Bobby doesn’t want Jordan to get baptized and Rosa does.

    I’m starting to worry that the Divas aren’t going to any nice restaurants this episode.

    In a car, Fox and Paige are going to a furniture store. Paige asks to get food. Finally, they make it to a nice restaurant. Paige orders some drinks and Fox is upset because she wants to have a lifestyle change this weekend. Paige orders more drinks and tells the waiter she likes to go to karaoke and she wants to play bingo. The waiter tells her about dirty bingo. Fox is pissed but doesn’t say anything because she enjoys being self-righteously angry.

    Meanwhile in Rosa’s life, she asks Bobby to baby proof the house. He reminds her that the baby isn’t coming for another 5 months. She wants to baby proof the house to impress Bobby the atheist’s dad. She hired a caterer to make dinner so she can pretend she did it.

    Paige arrives at dirty bingo, but it’s just regular bingo. All the old guys are hitting on Paige and Fox. Paige is having fun flirting with all the old guys. Fox is not. At all. She’s frustrated because the furniture store is closing.

    Brie and Nikki are checking into a nice hotel. Nikki wants to stay in the same room, but Brie needs some personal space. Nikki does not react well to the boundaries that Brie is attempting to set.

    Bobby and his dad arrive at Rosa’s house and everything is going great with the parents. They make small talk, but then Rosa’s mom asks Bobby to pray. He tells her that he doesn’t pray. Everyone looks around the room nervously.

    *****

    Rosa says a prayer, while everyone but Bobby touches hands.

    In a Florida bar, Fox complains that they didn’t go to the furniture store. She’s fed up and leaves the bar.

    Back in Rosa’s apartment, Rosa asks Bobby’s dad if he likes fajitas. He doesn’t. Please also remember that Bobby’s dad also doesn’t like kale. Hopefully you will be able to use this information at some point in your life. Rosa’s mom wants the baby to be baptized. Bobby tries to explain that he doesn’t. He leaves the room. Rosa calms Bobby down and they come back in the house Rosa’s mom leaves. Bobby’s dad tells Rosa everything is going to be ok.

    Nikki barges into Brie’s hotel room. Brie is pissed. She kicks the cameras out. She kicks Nikki out. Nikki doesn’t understand boundaries and tells Brie she hates her.

    Back in Orlando, Paige returns home. Fox is mad. She tells Paige she’s mad because she is taking this lifestyle change seriously, and she needs support. Paige is sorry, she’s not ready to settle down, but she should have gone to the furniture store and not bingo.

    In the hotel, Nikki asks Nattie if she can sleep with her. Nattie is lying in bed in full make-up. Nikki talks about how she is so frightened at night and has nightmares. Nikki admits she is terrified of death. Nattie thinks it’s because she didn’t have a father figure after her grandfather died. All this Cena injury stuff is triggering her old fears.

    *****

    To make up for yesterday, Paige decides to take Fox to a taxidermy stuff. Fox loves taxidermy stuff. They buy a horned animal skull and Fox is so stoked.

    Backstage, Nattie tells Brie she got a psychic reading. Mr. Belding from “Saved By The Bell” comes up and gives Nattie a hug. Nattie tells Brie about all the dark stuff Nikki was saying last night She’s worried. Brie tells her it’s nothing. Nattie doesn’t think it’s nothing. Now Brie is worried.

    In Phoenix, Brie invites Nikki over. She ask, “Why are you so anxious?” Nikki tells her she’s worried about death because of her grandfather dying. Brie had no idea Nikki was hurting so much. Brie feels bad, Nikki says she should feel bad. Brie realizes she’s been unfair to her sister. They talk about the Disney Channel.

    And that’s all! I’ll leave it to greater philosophers than I to break down the very rich symbolic depictions of life and death as represented in this episode by Nikki’s fear of death, the taxidermy skull bought by Paige and Fox, and the coming birth of Rosa’s child, the baby Jordan. The brightest minds of this generation received an intellectual gift tonight, one whose magnificence will not be fully understood for several lifetimes.

    Spoiler alert…

  • Total Divastation: A look back at WWE Total Divas episode 5

    By Kevin LaRose for WrestlingObserver.com

    Fox, Rosa, and Paige are at a restaurant. Its lunch time. Rosa, pregnant, asks if the baby can still breathe if she holds her breath. 

    Nattie greets a fan outside of RAW. Inside, Nattie grabs Mandy’s breast. We’re 30 seconds in and this show already has a lot going on. Mandy starts groping Nattie. Eva Marie goes to get something to eat, and Mandy asks Nattie to train her. What is the make-up budget for this show? Nikki tells us that she’s about to become the longest reigning Diva’s Champion in history. It means a lot to her.

    Paige and Rosa are out to lunch again with Mandy, Fox, and Eva Marie. Paige and Rosa talk about how they are wearing the same underwear. 

    Nikki is stretching in Brie’s house. Their mom comes in and starts yelling at Nikki for not stretching more. She tells her that she has to go to a doctor and stop doing the Rack Attack. Brie tells her that Nikki should instead shove her opponent’s face into her boobs as her finishing move. 

    Fox, Rosa, and Paige pull up to a party store in a huge-ass 4×4 truck. Rosa is shopping for her baby shower. Paige and Fox decide they are going to make it a goth/Halloween theme. Mandy talks about how she wants to work super hard and train and focus on being the best WWE Diva she can be and, like, stuff. Eva Marie is talking about how she just got her own “social media” guy who is going to follow her around and take her picture. Mandy wants her own “social media” guy. 

    Nikki and John are going out to a fancy restaurant, and Nikki thinks John looks cute. John admits that he just bought 55 suits when he was in New York… Wait, he bought 55 suits? Nikki thinks it’s a little weird that he bought 55 suits on one trip to New York, too. But she thinks he looks incredible. Nikki looks distressed, but not about the suits. Her neck really hurts and John gives her a massage. Cena is worried so he gets her into the Ferrari and they leave dinner. John Cena bought 55 suits in one trip to New York. 55 suits. 

    Back in Florida, Eva Marie is teaching Mandy how to use social media. Eva Marie pushes Mandy in the pool. In the gym, Sheamus tells Nikki he is selling his house and he’ll probably never have a family. Nikki is having hard times lifting weights. Backstage at Smackdown, Nattie is talking about how cute cats are. The pyro in the arena scares Rosa. Brie yells at Fox for planning a gothic themed baby shower for Rosa. 

    In a car, Brie is yelling at Nikki for not yawning after she yawned. Nikki is stoked that she’s going to be in the history books as the longest reigning Divas Champion of all time. Nikki is going to the doctor to get OZONE shots in her back. Everyone is telling Nikki to take care of herself and take some time off. 

    *****

    Back in Florida, Nattie is working out at the performance center waiting for Mandy, who shows up really late in Converse. Nattie is pissed. She has one day off a week and Mandy asked her to drive two hours from Tampa to Orlando in order to help her train. Mandy wants to take a selfie before they start. Nattie finally has had enough and leaves. Mandy does not even understand why Nattie is pissed. Mandy apologizes and Nattie agrees to stay and help. 

    In Memphis, Rosa, Fox and Paige are in a car and Paige finds out she’s going to be on Conan. But it’s on the day of the baby shower. She tells them she actually wants the baby shower in California, not Florida. Nobody listened to her. Fox tells her she’s being selfish. 

    In another car, Nattie tells Nikki that all the NXT girls text TJ. Nattie tells Nikki she has to power through the pain. Again, Nattie with the worst advice (like when she offered her father alcohol, even though he’s sober). Backstage, Rosa starts to unload to Mandy about how mad she is about the baby shower. Mandy stares at her blankly. Nattie and Brie are talking about Nikki’s back, and now that she’s in front of Brie, Nattie tells Nikki to take it easy. The girls are eating in catering and Rosa comes in and confronts Fox. This baby shower is getting nasty. 

    *****

    Backstage at RAW, Fox apologizes to Rosa but she’s actually not sorry.

    Nikki is about to fight Charlotte, if she wins she’s the longest reigning Diva’s Champion in history. Her back is ruined though. This is crazy. It’s amazing to think what these athletes do to entertain. I know this show is fake but my respect for Nikki is real. Nikki becomes the longest reigning Diva’s Champion of all time.

    Brie says that Nikki will never have kids to share this moment with. To celebrate the Divas go out to dinner with Dolph Ziggler. Dolph talks about having sex with the belt on. Brie gives a speech about how great Nikki is. Fox stands up and gives her own speech where she apologizes to Rosa. Rosa forgives her but she refuses to apologize back. She shouldn’t. Paige says it’s time to haze Mandy and asks her who the hottest Superstar is, and she says Dolph Ziggler, who has a big smile. Ziggler asks her if she’d rather have a reality show or be champion. She lies and says she would rather be the champion. Nattie thinks she’s genuine. Mandy says she would be in a long term relationship with Nattie. Paige says they respect Mandy. Everyone learned a lot of lessons this week.

    They went to a lot of nice looking restaurants, but the big takeaway… John Cena bought 55 suits on one trip to New York.