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Tag: the new day

  • WWE Main Event results: Xavier Woods channels the power of the singlet

    Xavier “Mini E” Woods

    Big E and Kofi Kingston emerge from the back for an in-ring promo, sheepishly trailed by a rather embarrassed looking, singlet wearing, Xavier Woods. The New Day explain that Woods’ travel bag was stolen, thus prompting their largest member to come to his rescue with clothing from his limited wardrobe. Kofi, in his stupidly dated Dr. Evil voice, proclaims Xavier the New Day’s “Mini E”, which doesn’t help the trombonist’s fears that he may not be in possession of a “singlet body”.

    The Social Outcasts then interrupt, mimicking the New Day’s entrance with the Bo Dallas line: “Prepare to have a blast and give it up for the Social Outcasts!”. To the surprise of no-one, the Outcasts have Woods’ bag in tow. They raid its contents, which include some red underwear and a ‘My Little Pony’, the latter of which leads Curtis Axel to dub Xavier a “j-brony”.

    The Outcasts promise to return the bag if the New Day can defeat them in a match, a challenge that the tag champs eventually accept after a super-serious huddle. They are aware that they squashed these geeks in, like, two minutes on RAW the previous night, right?

    The New Day def. Social Outcasts by pinfall

    This was much longer than the RAW match, with eight minutes aired and a commercial break in the middle. There was a lot of stalling at the beginning, with both teams wiggling their butts at each other and exchanging Bo/New Day Trains for what seemed like a very long time. Even Lawler was forced to exclaim “we already saw that” after the New Day saw fit to engage in a second train.

    The highlight of the match was Woods trying to channel the “power of the singlet” by borrowing moves from Big E’s arsenal, including attempting an early bearhug on Axel that looked completely ridiculous. Later, Woods got the hot tag after the Outcasts got the heat on Kofi for a while, hitting Big E’s running splash on Heath Slater, before playing the big man’s part in the Midnight Hour for the win.

    Paige def. Summer Rae by pinfall

    A nothing match here, that was enlivened by Jerry Lawler successfully cracking Tom Phillips up with jokes about how much his parents hate him: “Your mother says you’re not her favourite, but you’re an only child!”. After an awkwardly worked, five minute encounter, Paige blocked a spin kick, hit a fallaway slam and the Rampaige to pick up the victory.

    Baron Corbin def. Jack Swagger by pinfall w/ Dolph Ziggler on commentary

    As much as I usually find Dolph’s misplaced confidence to be highly irritating, his over-exuberant commentary was admittedly very enjoyable here; think the verbal equivalent of Shawn Michaels selling for Hulk Hogan.  Although, suggesting that Lawler’s shirt sported “Flava Flav’s chain” is an equally antiquated reference to the one Kofi made earlier.

    Corbin’s pre-match inset promo tells us that Swagger is apparently another “technical wrestler” trying to achieve his dreams, while the quickly balding Baron is only here to “hurt people and make money”.

    Catty commentary keeps me entertained as Corbin’s resthold-heavy heat runs the risk of boring me to tears. Dolph: “I’ve been kicked by the boot of Swagger and it’s had way more effect on me!”. Lawler responds by mentioning the ten elbows/heart attack debacle. Get over it, folks!

    The finish sees Corbin make the ropes to counter the Patriot Lock, before kicking Swagger in the throat while the referee is trying to “create separation”. Corbin then pulls his opponent onto the ropes neck first, before following up with the End of Days and staring at Ziggler after the three count.

    Ziggler hypothesises that Corbin might be staring at Lawler, meaning that the final line we hear before the show goes off the air is: “Don’t let him drop an elbow!”. Meow.

    Final Thoughts

    Considering that the “comedy” on this show is usually the dirt worst, Xavier Woods’ Big E tribute was a pleasant surprise. Save for the announcing however, the second half of the show was a hard slog. Although I like Corbin’s vanilla midget antagonist character, he is far from ready to work long singles matches yet, despite his significant in-ring improvements over the last year.

  • WWE Main Event results: More dreadful “comedy” from The New Day and The Social Outcasts

    Neville and Zack Ryder def. Stardust and Tyler Breeze by pinfall

    Jerry Lawler takes his opportunity, during the entrances, to drop his new nickname for his announcing partnership with Rich Brennan: “The King and The Thing”. Lawler reckons that this new moniker is likely to trend far better than #woowoowoo. No arguments here.

    Briefer opening match than usual here, with six-and-a-half minutes aired either side of a commercial break. The heels got the heat on Neville for a while, during which Lawler denigrated the Englishman’s appearance, comparing it unfavourably to Breeze’s good looks. Brennan questions the relevance of such matters, to which King replies that a man with a “face for radio” is always likely to sympathise with those of his own kind.

    Hot tag to Ryder leads into an unusual spot, where Stardust appears to set Zack up for the Queen’s Crossbow, only to hit a reverse DDT instead. Perhaps he momentarily forgot the finish, which saw Neville tag in, hit him with a superkick and land a Red Arrow for the victory.

    Nothing much to this one. Brennan wraps it up by saying that “ the week gets worse” for Stardust and Breeze, who both failed to win the Fatal-5-Way match for the Intercontinental Title on RAW. The fact that both men were booked in that match in the first place, despite their respective win/loss records, is, of course, completely ridiculous.

    Paige def. Summer Rae by submission

    50/50 time! Both women got promo time before this RAW rematch, as Summer bizarrely claimed that as the Divas Revolution has been going on, she’s been “beating them all”, including the people’s “goth goddess”. In reality, her last televised victory before Monday’s win over Paige was an April 2015 defeat of Emma on this very show.

    Paige responds by listing her title credentials, adding that she “didn’t have to dance to do that”. Sick burn. Paige attacks Summer viciously early on, following up by mocking Summer’s entrance dance as her opponent flees to the ramp. Paige chases her down and throws her back in the ring, only for Summer to gain the advantage with a leg lariat, which she follows up with a loooooong headlock. The King alleviates the boredom here by continuing to push #TheKingAndTheThing.

    Paige’s comeback includes her running knee that looks like it will inevitably do some serious damage at some stage. The finish sees her block another leg lariat attempt, before hitting a superkick and locking on the PTO for the tap.

    – The Social Outcasts are out for an in-ring promo, complaining about their omission from the Fastlane card; specifically the absence of a New Day title defence. Adam Rose lists off all the tag teams that the champs will not defend against on Sunday, including “Radwolf” and “The MadHappy Connection”.

    Heath Slater, who is apparently the Moron Whisperer, divines from this that “Radwolf” refers to the Radical Mongoose (Rose) and the Crimson Werewolf (Slater), while the “MadHappy Connection” refers to Axel and Bo. Because one is mad and one is happy. Meanwhile, I am raging to Alex Riley level proportions that I have agreed to document total and complete bilge of this magnitude.

    The New Day then interrupt to inflict more terrible “comedy” upon me. Big E reckons that no-one cares about the Outcasts’ nicknames (he’s right there) and calls them “booty”. Bo responds that he’s “a booty”, which results in an argument about removing the article from the insult. Kofi then does a completely terrible bit decrying the idea of babies teaching adults to walk and caterpillars teaching butterflies to fly, which mercifully ends in Slater finally extending a challenge. Jesus, that was terrible. Like, honestly, from a company that has no earthly idea how to write comedy in 2016 (see the Truth/Goldust skits), that segment might have been the worst yet.

    The New Day def. Curtis Axel, Heath Slater and Adam Rose w/Bo Dallas on commentary by pinfall

    Bo politely greets “Mr. Rich” and “Mr. King” as he takes his place at the announce desk, happily declaring that he’s delighted to be working with “The King and The Thing”. Lawler practically bubbles over with pride that his nickname is getting over.

    The match was about what you’d expect from 15 minutes of two heel teams taking turns to get the heat. Very dull. I’m sure Mr. Belding, who Lawler pointed out in the crowd early on, was far from impressed.

    It’s Xavier Woods’ turn to get beat on in the early part of the match. The Outcasts dodge interference from his buddies before the break, prompting a slow-motion, Chariots of Fire style, Bo Train, which Bo himself leaves the desk to join. After the break, Bo bemoans the fact that he forgot to high five Belding on the way. King helpfully recommends that he high five Rich in the face instead to compensate.

    Woods eventually “hot” tags Big E, which leads to the second heat portion of the match; Adam Rose the victim this time. Eventually, Big E misses an apron splash to Rose, allowing the…ahem….”Radical Mongoose” to spinebuster Woods. The chains are then very much removed, as Axel gets another “hot” tag and cleans house. A Perfect Plex gets two before the bewildering finishing sequence kicks into gear.

    Kofi hits a dropkick to Axel, before going to the top as legal man Woods places a prone Ax-Man back-first on his knee. Bo then feels it necessary to distract the ref, while Rose pushes Kofi off the top, despite the fact that interference has been ongoing throughout the match with no consequences. Axel then looks to finish Woods with an O’Connor Roll, but Woods reverses it, grabbing a handful of tights to secure the victory. What a mess.

    Final Thoughts

    The first half of the show was inoffensive, but the second half – particularly the Outcasts/New Day promo exchange – was dreadful. I have no earthly idea how anyone can write this kind of material down on paper and think it’s funny. Nor do I see any sense in booking a 15 minute heel vs. heel tag team featured contest. Mind boggling stuff.